I lied.

I didn't post as I originally planned.

And I'm sorry. But life...it has been very busy and kinda wowza.

Not all of it good...not all of it bad...as always.

My mom died on October 21, 2009. Her funeral is this Sunday, November 8th. A week before my birthday. Some birthday, huh?

I'm really stressed right now, and I'm not exactly even sure why. Friends? Making stupid choices? Maybe. Idk. Probably a lot to do with my mom, and I'm blaming my friends. Fancy that, eh?

It's been coming for a long time. My mom, I mean. But...still. She's my mom, and I miss her...so damn much, and I'm trying to keep myself distracted at all times, trying to be busy so that I don't have to think...

But then I stop.

And I think.

A lot.

It's terrible. It really is. I haven't actually cried in a while. I cried pretty hard when I found out. But since then, not really. Because I've been trying to keep busy. Busy bee=me. People who don't know me probably would have no fucking idea. Like, the people that see my everyday but don't really talk to me...they have no clue my mom died just two weeks ago. It's strange.

We cremated her, you know.

Her ashes are sitting on the table.

Isn't that weird?

They're just sitting there...in a box. Because we can't put them in the urn on account of the fact that we're going to St. Louis (where she grew up and is from) for the service, and we're flying, and everything needs to be x-ray-able otherwise we can't take it with is.

But it's odd. Thinking...how something so alive, and so...there...and not enormous, but person sized, can be reduced to something so small. Not even a cubic foot. How is that possible?

How can something...how can my mom go from being...the size she was, being a living and breathing thing, to something so...small, and insignificant? Just dust, really. Once living and breathing to...dust. Everything to dust.

Everything to dust.

I'm just...I've been meaning to write my thoughts down about that...ask that question...how...why...all the wherefores. I wrote a poem, I did. But...still, that was before the ashes got here. Before everything was dust. Before I wondered how something human sized could be reduced to just particles.

I guess I'm finally getting to that. And it's quite a ramble.

Maybe I need a ramble.

Maybe I need to think this all out.

What am I going to do?

I'm only just (or almost) nineteen years old. Next Sunday. A week after her funeral. Less than a month after her death.

I'm trying so hard to just...go on...not think about it.

But then it crops up. Right up. Kinda like a jack-in-the-box, when you're playing with it when you're young. You turn the handle, all the while expecting it to pop up at any moment. Yet, when it does pop up, it still surprises you. Always surprises you.

Death...life is that way.

It always surprises you.

The sad thing is, apart from my mom's dying, I'm...happy.

And I feel bad for being happy. Because...I want her here, to see me be happy. I'm back in school, just high school, eleventh grade, because I felt I needed to get back there...especially with my mom having been sick, and I'm glad for it. Because without school, her death...I'd be even more of an emotional wreck than I am right now. Hence the ramble. And the incoherent-ness.

But I do like school. And I'm happy with it. I'm surprised at how much I like it. I am gaining a social life, which I have NEVER had. I have a friend over at my house every weekend, and we've had this week off school, and she's been over here literally every single day...and spent the night five out of seven nights. So that's good, right?

I even went out on Halloween with some friends. The previously mentioned and two others. I like someone...Surprising given my last state of near heartbreak over he who will not be mentioned further. But...I'm happy. And scared because of that!

But happy.

Two of my friends...they're planning my birthday party. I have no idea what they're planning...but they're planning it. Scary, huh?

But I'm happy.

Stressed.

Annoyed with people at school.

Don't want to wake up for school in the morning.

But happy.

I'm in several clubs, from which I have gained the friends I now have, so that could be a reason as to why I'm happy.

But I keep expecting something to happen...I'm still afraid it will...something...bigger, almost, than my mom's death. Because, yeah, Mom dying is big...but it has been coming...for god knows how long. And we knew her chances were not even within a .0001% since early September. So I wasn't unprepared. I miss her, and its still a shock, but...

I don't know.

The worst part of Mom dying...she won't be here for me in the future. Won't see me married. Won't see her grandchildren.

Won't even see my graduate.

How awful this feeling is.

I don't know anymore.

I'm all emotioned out I think. Well not really, but if I continue, we'll be going in circles.

*sigh* Life, in general.

I obviously never check this thing anymore.

Well, it's been crazy lately.

I am still alive, just a for your information (not that anyone really cares/notices).

Hmm. What has happened?

A lot. If I could just siphon off my memories of the last...eight?...months, I don't know if I would or wouldn't. But it would be a hell of a lot easier, no?

Let's see. I have been kind of busy...sort of. God I can't even gather my thoughts.

My sister and her husband came up for Christmas, that was fun.

Flash from that time, to April, and that's when things get messy.

My mom is in the hospital. Has been since April 1st. She was sedated for the first month, on a ventilator, with a fever the entire time. The fever got as high as 108, but is luckily gone now. She has a tracheotomy because she was on the ventilator for so long, and cannot really speak because of that, but overall she is doing a lot better. Though, they still don't know what, for sure, was wrong with her to begin with. They suspect it was some kind of diffuse lung something or other. I don't really know. Now, they believe she needs to have a bypass surgery, because she has 70% blockage in one of her heart's main arteries...but since she is fighting another infection currently, they have to postpone it (if it indeed happens - they still aren't sure whether they're going to do it or not). And after she is stable enough, and not in need of being in the hospital, they're going to transfer her to a rehabilitation clinic, to get her strength back, as she currently has none. She can't even really feed herself (though she's only on pureed foods and nectar consistency liquids). It's going to be a long process, and I hope she comes through it okay.

Also, two days ago, we had to put my dog to sleep. He had a tumor on his side that...doing surgery to remove wouldn't really help. I miss him already. Pepper, I love you baby boy. *sad*

I'm ending it here, but I will try to blog more often. I'll give an update on my trip (as yet not mentioned) that I took to Tennessee, and much more in my next one.

Friday Night and Where Am I?

At home, that's where.

I'm always at home. I have no fucking life. And I am SICK OF IT!

It's tolerable when I have people to talk to on the net (which is where I talk to everyone, where I know people), but tonight, nope.

Cody has a date. So she won't be here. Which really sucks. I just...gah.

Kat has her homecoming dance, so she and her boyfriend, Col, are going to be at that.

Even if Sky's computer wasn't out of commission, she wouldn't be on. She'd be hanging with Adam, as always.

Mickey, who the fuck knows where she is these days. Probably hanging with Jacob. I know she says that she has withdrawn from him, but ten bets for that she is completely hung up on him still. God.

I fucking hate life.

Dahza; don't know where she is. She signed out a bit ago, and hasn't gotten back on. Probably trying to avoid her dad.

Whatever.

I'm just not in a good mood. I haven't seen anyone besides my parents in a few weeks. I mean, I've seen other people, at the store and shit. But that is it. I haven't seen my parents or anything.

I want to disappear.

No one would notice.

It's not like a whole lot of them actually make an effort to talk to me.

I don't even see my parents often. Mom is always laying down or in the bathroom or some shit. Dad's at work except in the evenings and weekends. And in the evenings, he just sits in his chair and watches TV and shit. And then he goes to bed.

Barely any conversation between the two of us.

But, I mean, what is there to say? I have no life. At all. There isn't anything interesting going on outside this bloody computer.

I really am getting sick of it.

But I can't find the will to do my schoolwork. I don't want to do it because...well, I don't even know.

I'm fucking depressed all the time. And the only time I am not depressed is when I've talked to him. Not like that happens often. But when I've talked to him, I feel really happy and shit for a while afterwards, which is really pathetic and stupid.

I'm just pathetic and stupid all around.

The only time I feel slightly alive is when he sends my heart on a rumba. That's it. I miss him. I am pathetic.

God. Life sucks.

How do you do it? How do you get one? How do you fit in with people?

I've never fit in. I've never had people that I can just hang out with every day, and not feel like an imposition.

Even with people over the net, I feel like an imposition. No matter what they say to the contrary.

I've never actually had someone who has sought me out. I'm always the one to go to them. To try to keep things together with them. And its tiring. So tiring.

I feel like I'm whining a bunch, but oh-the-fuck-well. Deal with it, people.

Why can't I just have people come to me? Why can't they actively seek me, for once?

Can they even see how miserable I am? No, probably not. I hide it really well, generally.

Maybe that's why I sleep all the time. Because I am miserable and don't want to face this hellish existence.

Yeah, that's probably it.

And my parents are always getting on to me; about this, that, and everything in between

I just...I am tired of dealing. I am tired of being so fucking strong. I'm tired...tired of people coming to me to ask for advice all the time, and feeling like anytime I go to them with a problem or concern that I'm whining and being turned down.

This is probably not the case. I just...it's how I feel. For those of you who knew me when I was growing up, I'm not that person anymore. I'm so...different. Much more introverted. And I will never be who I was again. I'll always be a shadow of my former self.

And...I wish that weren't how it was.

I miss the old me. I miss seeing people all the time. Going out into the yard and just playing or whatever with my neighbors. I miss swimming in my pool with Kimmy and Clay and Hannah and Kati.

I miss it all.

I hate my life. I hate it.

Everyone else seems to be getting their life right on track. It all seems to be going great for them. And I'm left, completely stagnate. I can't go back. But something keeps me from moving forward. My life is just here. I sit in the same place everyday. Visit the same websites.

My existence is pathetic.

I am static.

I am stationary.

I am invisible.

That Rushing Flame

So, I just wrote this poem. I think it's pretty good. Here it is.

That Rushing Flame

The dizzying array
Spinning around my head
Feeling like the bird’s prey
Nodding in time with the dead

Nausea rises in my throat
Chest tightens in fear
I’m left wondering if I can float
Or drown beneath the pier

It burns as it overflows
Blazing my lungs with might
Body thrashed by repeated blows
I close my eyes tight

Every scream ripped from chapped lips
The cries falling into nothingness
Beneath the surface my head dips
Floating to the bottom with finesse

Eyes open once again
Dazed, I stare around me
Feeling strangely Zen
I felt free

Darkness encroaches my sight
My jaded eyes tire
I sigh water in without a fight
Feet sunk permanently into the mire

My mind becomes bare
Oblivion claiming my awareness
I don’t try for air
I almost wonder at the fairness

Now I’m soaring
Feeling no pain
Below, they are warring
I smile despite the bane

I stare into His face
Launch to His frame
Feeling in my place
My heart lights up, aflame


Uuuhm. Just let me know what you think, okay? I write a lot of poetry, so that's always loads of fun.

Written on October 16th, 2008.

Eh, today so far.

Well, I'm blogging again for the second time in as many days. Let's see how long this lasts! O.o

Today's been pretty boring. I really want more sleep, but I have to get my mom's pills to her in about an hour and a half, so that idea is out the window. *watches as it flies outta my head and wisps to the window.* Interesting! Lol. I'm so tired right now. I didn't get to sleep til around like, 3 last night, and I was woken up at like...eight, to take the dogs out. Stayed up for an hour, tried to go back to sleep. I slept for maybe an hour and a half, then was woken up again. And haven't gone back to sleep yet.

Soooo tired.

Anyway. I'm talking to one of my best friends on the net right now, Katlyn. She is home from school sick, so that sucks, but I get to talk to her, which rocks. Still sorry she doesn't feel good though. We're both worried about her brother, Sean, because he's on an oil rig, for his job, and he was supposed to only be on there for two weeks, but its past that mark, and she hasn't heard from him.

So we're worried about that. I mean, yeah, sure its hard to get phone access on an oil rig, but...still. Still worried.

Last night, there was something freaky around the moon. It was this big ring, like, must have been miles wide. The moon was right in the middle of it. It was seriously freaky. I mean, it looked like it would if there were clouds around the moon, only it was perfectly circular, and it was so large. Oh, and this picture here, you cant see the ring in it. But that's the moon last night.

So...I told my friend, Cody, bout it and she freaked. Told me how it was a bad omen, and if the moon turned red that she'd be here asap. Luckily, we know things are now resolved. But no one knows how close it came. Shhh.

How close it came to what, you ask? I can't say.

This may just be the ramblings of a madwoman. So you can take your pick.

On another note: someday, I want to have sex in a cemetery. Come on, it would be hot because...well, yeah, you get it. It would be extremely sexy. Seriously. I mean, *shudder pleasantly* I can't even explain how appealing that idea is to me. (Image to the right is from googlesearch graveyard night).

Oh, and I want to have sex in the rain. But I don't know when any of this will happen, seeing as I am still a virgin and do not have a boyfriend. Or girlfriend. O.o

Yup, I'm bi. Or open. Open is probably a better description, because its more about the fact its about the person and not their gender.

And maybe I like someone right now. But I won't tell you who. Hehehe. My secret. Hehe.

So, Skylar mentioned me in her blog. She misses me. Also wants me to come back to Tennessee. But, I don't think I will ever move back there. I mean, I've already passed that part of my life. I've never been able to picture myself going back someplace after I've moved away. Is that weird?

Right now, I'm watching One Tree Hill. I know, its lame, but I like this show.

And now it's over. O.o

And I just found out that my friend, who will remain unnamed, is going back into juvi. Her parents are sending her cause her older sister told them that she had a guy in the house. And her sister is kinda being a bit hypocrytical...I mean, she got pregnant at 16. My friend is 17, and is she pregnant? No. She isn't. She's already been in juvi once because she supposedly ran away, when all she really did was take herself out of the situation for a few minutes, to wait for the cops to come, cause her father had hit her. Oi vey. The stupidity of the legal system. They went to court and everything and the judge sent her back to live with her parents, even though her dad had threatened to THROW HER OVER THE STAIRS!

It makes me sick.

So now, her parents are sending her to juvi, even though she didnt have a guy in her house........

I hate people. Seriously. Let's go destroy the world!

Hehehe. That'd be fun.

Anyway. I'm going to get off now and figure out some way to pour acid down her dad's throat from 900 miles away.

Pattie

A sneak peak at my life...

So...My name is Pattie. I currently live in New Jersey, having recently moved here from Tennessee. I don't know why I created this blog. Maybe because one of my best friends sent me hers, and I felt that this may be a good way to do things, to express how I feel about shit. And there is a lot of shit.

As always.

I'm sorta sad right now. And I don't even know why. And worried, but I know why on that count. I'm worried about another of my best friends. She was...very suicidal last night, and I'm afraid she did something to herself. So so afraid that it's got my heart hurting. I love her and don't want to lose her.

I don't really know what else to say about me right now. I...want to be a writer, that's for sure. Among other things, at least. I love history, English, philosophy, art, photography, and so much more that its sometimes mind boggling. My interests are not really honed yet. But hey, I'm only 17 (almost 18).

Wow, that's a scary thought. I'll be 18 in about a month. Is there anything more frightening than growing up? Everything frightening comes with growing up: having kids, getting married, supporting yourself and your family. Wow. Fear much?

*deep breath*

So yeah, 18 in a month. Weird. But I won't really have anyone to celebrate with. What with just moving and all. I mean...my parents are here, but this is the first birthday I've been away from my older sister, Kati. I miss her, I really do, but...she hasn't really been there as much as I would prefer the last few years. Ever since we moved to Tennessee, she went through her teenage years in her 20s, which meant she was never home. And when she finally moved out...rarely came to visit. Sure, she calls and stuff, but...its not the same.

This move was really hard. The move from Tennessee to New Jersey, I mean. We moved because my dad lost his job (again) and found himself having to search for a new one. It took two months for him to acquire one. He started it at the beginning of this past August. Him and I drove up here from Tennessee, leaving my mom alone (she's disabled, so this is never a good thing) for a weekend while I accompanied him on the 14 hour drive. After meeting my aunt Debbie, his sister (he's from NJ, so he has some family here, who I've never met), I flew back to Tennessee to stay with Mom while he worked. That was basically the three weeks from hell. Though my mom told me she was proud of me for how much I helped.

While it was just me and her, I had to take care of her and the dogs, make food for us, help her to bed and out of bed. Take care of her bed soars, get her medicine ready every morning. Keep the dishes done, and a bunch else. It was really hard, because I received little, nearly none, help from my sister. Towards the end of the three weeks, I began slacking. But I was so tired of it, I couldn't help it. It wasn't a conscious thought on my part, stopping helping as much, I mean. It just happened. Tends to be the case when youre nagged at constantly.

But that is neither here nor there, anymore at least. I'm still taking care of my mom during the day on weekdays, because Dad works from 7 to 5, varying at times. The house remains mostly unpacked, which isnt good.

Of course, that tends to happen when you pack everything in the week before you leave.

But we didn't have any help. I didn't know what to do. I'd never...it had never been left up to me to soley pack the entire house. My sister, as I have said, was no help. None of my friends really helped. Mom couldn't help. Dad was up here. So...I did nothing.

Which wasn't very smart, but...What would you do? I was overwhelmed.

I just don't know what to say anymore. I mean, what is there to say, really?

Now, I'm pretty much in a full on depression. I've not got a therapist yet. I rarely talk to any of my friends that I know in real life. I talk to net friends, who yes, are still my best friends, but sometimes, its just not the same, you know?

I cried last night. Really cried. I talked to my friend, Skylar, for the first time in what seemed like months. We got a lot of old wounds cleaned. Mainly my wounds. When we moved, she and another friend...weren't there. And it hurt so much. It still hurts. It will always hurt. I just wanted to see them a bit before we left, but I couldn't exactly go to see them myself. Because I was doing so much for my mom, and I didn't want to leave her alone for too long. The only times I really left her alone were when I went to the store or to see Linda, my therapist. But it hurt so much cause they didn't make much of an effort to come and see me. Or to even call. It felt to me like they were both hung up on their boyfriends. Which, I know wasn't the entire case, but still...

Skylar apologised for it last night. She told me she could have tried harder to come see me, and I agreed. I mean, all I wanted was maybe five minutes! Five fucking minutes, of either seeing them or just...talking on the phone. But nope, didn't get any of that.

Yeah, I'm still a bit bitter, but its getting better. I hope.

God, I don't even know where to end this blog.

This isn't even all of my life, it's just a taste. I have a lot of resentment for a lot of people, but I never ever show it because...well, I don't want them to leave me. I don't want...to be lonely, to be without my friends. So I let it fester and fester and fester till I'm nothing but a festering mess.

I guess I'll end it here. I don't know when I'll next do something. Maybe tomorrow? Maybe next week. Hell if I fucking know.

Pattie