Friday Night and Where Am I?

At home, that's where.

I'm always at home. I have no fucking life. And I am SICK OF IT!

It's tolerable when I have people to talk to on the net (which is where I talk to everyone, where I know people), but tonight, nope.

Cody has a date. So she won't be here. Which really sucks. I just...gah.

Kat has her homecoming dance, so she and her boyfriend, Col, are going to be at that.

Even if Sky's computer wasn't out of commission, she wouldn't be on. She'd be hanging with Adam, as always.

Mickey, who the fuck knows where she is these days. Probably hanging with Jacob. I know she says that she has withdrawn from him, but ten bets for that she is completely hung up on him still. God.

I fucking hate life.

Dahza; don't know where she is. She signed out a bit ago, and hasn't gotten back on. Probably trying to avoid her dad.

Whatever.

I'm just not in a good mood. I haven't seen anyone besides my parents in a few weeks. I mean, I've seen other people, at the store and shit. But that is it. I haven't seen my parents or anything.

I want to disappear.

No one would notice.

It's not like a whole lot of them actually make an effort to talk to me.

I don't even see my parents often. Mom is always laying down or in the bathroom or some shit. Dad's at work except in the evenings and weekends. And in the evenings, he just sits in his chair and watches TV and shit. And then he goes to bed.

Barely any conversation between the two of us.

But, I mean, what is there to say? I have no life. At all. There isn't anything interesting going on outside this bloody computer.

I really am getting sick of it.

But I can't find the will to do my schoolwork. I don't want to do it because...well, I don't even know.

I'm fucking depressed all the time. And the only time I am not depressed is when I've talked to him. Not like that happens often. But when I've talked to him, I feel really happy and shit for a while afterwards, which is really pathetic and stupid.

I'm just pathetic and stupid all around.

The only time I feel slightly alive is when he sends my heart on a rumba. That's it. I miss him. I am pathetic.

God. Life sucks.

How do you do it? How do you get one? How do you fit in with people?

I've never fit in. I've never had people that I can just hang out with every day, and not feel like an imposition.

Even with people over the net, I feel like an imposition. No matter what they say to the contrary.

I've never actually had someone who has sought me out. I'm always the one to go to them. To try to keep things together with them. And its tiring. So tiring.

I feel like I'm whining a bunch, but oh-the-fuck-well. Deal with it, people.

Why can't I just have people come to me? Why can't they actively seek me, for once?

Can they even see how miserable I am? No, probably not. I hide it really well, generally.

Maybe that's why I sleep all the time. Because I am miserable and don't want to face this hellish existence.

Yeah, that's probably it.

And my parents are always getting on to me; about this, that, and everything in between

I just...I am tired of dealing. I am tired of being so fucking strong. I'm tired...tired of people coming to me to ask for advice all the time, and feeling like anytime I go to them with a problem or concern that I'm whining and being turned down.

This is probably not the case. I just...it's how I feel. For those of you who knew me when I was growing up, I'm not that person anymore. I'm so...different. Much more introverted. And I will never be who I was again. I'll always be a shadow of my former self.

And...I wish that weren't how it was.

I miss the old me. I miss seeing people all the time. Going out into the yard and just playing or whatever with my neighbors. I miss swimming in my pool with Kimmy and Clay and Hannah and Kati.

I miss it all.

I hate my life. I hate it.

Everyone else seems to be getting their life right on track. It all seems to be going great for them. And I'm left, completely stagnate. I can't go back. But something keeps me from moving forward. My life is just here. I sit in the same place everyday. Visit the same websites.

My existence is pathetic.

I am static.

I am stationary.

I am invisible.