I lied.

I didn't post as I originally planned.

And I'm sorry. But life...it has been very busy and kinda wowza.

Not all of it good...not all of it bad...as always.

My mom died on October 21, 2009. Her funeral is this Sunday, November 8th. A week before my birthday. Some birthday, huh?

I'm really stressed right now, and I'm not exactly even sure why. Friends? Making stupid choices? Maybe. Idk. Probably a lot to do with my mom, and I'm blaming my friends. Fancy that, eh?

It's been coming for a long time. My mom, I mean. But...still. She's my mom, and I miss her...so damn much, and I'm trying to keep myself distracted at all times, trying to be busy so that I don't have to think...

But then I stop.

And I think.

A lot.

It's terrible. It really is. I haven't actually cried in a while. I cried pretty hard when I found out. But since then, not really. Because I've been trying to keep busy. Busy bee=me. People who don't know me probably would have no fucking idea. Like, the people that see my everyday but don't really talk to me...they have no clue my mom died just two weeks ago. It's strange.

We cremated her, you know.

Her ashes are sitting on the table.

Isn't that weird?

They're just sitting there...in a box. Because we can't put them in the urn on account of the fact that we're going to St. Louis (where she grew up and is from) for the service, and we're flying, and everything needs to be x-ray-able otherwise we can't take it with is.

But it's odd. Thinking...how something so alive, and so...there...and not enormous, but person sized, can be reduced to something so small. Not even a cubic foot. How is that possible?

How can something...how can my mom go from being...the size she was, being a living and breathing thing, to something so...small, and insignificant? Just dust, really. Once living and breathing to...dust. Everything to dust.

Everything to dust.

I'm just...I've been meaning to write my thoughts down about that...ask that question...how...why...all the wherefores. I wrote a poem, I did. But...still, that was before the ashes got here. Before everything was dust. Before I wondered how something human sized could be reduced to just particles.

I guess I'm finally getting to that. And it's quite a ramble.

Maybe I need a ramble.

Maybe I need to think this all out.

What am I going to do?

I'm only just (or almost) nineteen years old. Next Sunday. A week after her funeral. Less than a month after her death.

I'm trying so hard to just...go on...not think about it.

But then it crops up. Right up. Kinda like a jack-in-the-box, when you're playing with it when you're young. You turn the handle, all the while expecting it to pop up at any moment. Yet, when it does pop up, it still surprises you. Always surprises you.

Death...life is that way.

It always surprises you.

The sad thing is, apart from my mom's dying, I'm...happy.

And I feel bad for being happy. Because...I want her here, to see me be happy. I'm back in school, just high school, eleventh grade, because I felt I needed to get back there...especially with my mom having been sick, and I'm glad for it. Because without school, her death...I'd be even more of an emotional wreck than I am right now. Hence the ramble. And the incoherent-ness.

But I do like school. And I'm happy with it. I'm surprised at how much I like it. I am gaining a social life, which I have NEVER had. I have a friend over at my house every weekend, and we've had this week off school, and she's been over here literally every single day...and spent the night five out of seven nights. So that's good, right?

I even went out on Halloween with some friends. The previously mentioned and two others. I like someone...Surprising given my last state of near heartbreak over he who will not be mentioned further. But...I'm happy. And scared because of that!

But happy.

Two of my friends...they're planning my birthday party. I have no idea what they're planning...but they're planning it. Scary, huh?

But I'm happy.

Stressed.

Annoyed with people at school.

Don't want to wake up for school in the morning.

But happy.

I'm in several clubs, from which I have gained the friends I now have, so that could be a reason as to why I'm happy.

But I keep expecting something to happen...I'm still afraid it will...something...bigger, almost, than my mom's death. Because, yeah, Mom dying is big...but it has been coming...for god knows how long. And we knew her chances were not even within a .0001% since early September. So I wasn't unprepared. I miss her, and its still a shock, but...

I don't know.

The worst part of Mom dying...she won't be here for me in the future. Won't see me married. Won't see her grandchildren.

Won't even see my graduate.

How awful this feeling is.

I don't know anymore.

I'm all emotioned out I think. Well not really, but if I continue, we'll be going in circles.