A sneak peak at my life...

So...My name is Pattie. I currently live in New Jersey, having recently moved here from Tennessee. I don't know why I created this blog. Maybe because one of my best friends sent me hers, and I felt that this may be a good way to do things, to express how I feel about shit. And there is a lot of shit.

As always.

I'm sorta sad right now. And I don't even know why. And worried, but I know why on that count. I'm worried about another of my best friends. She was...very suicidal last night, and I'm afraid she did something to herself. So so afraid that it's got my heart hurting. I love her and don't want to lose her.

I don't really know what else to say about me right now. I...want to be a writer, that's for sure. Among other things, at least. I love history, English, philosophy, art, photography, and so much more that its sometimes mind boggling. My interests are not really honed yet. But hey, I'm only 17 (almost 18).

Wow, that's a scary thought. I'll be 18 in about a month. Is there anything more frightening than growing up? Everything frightening comes with growing up: having kids, getting married, supporting yourself and your family. Wow. Fear much?

*deep breath*

So yeah, 18 in a month. Weird. But I won't really have anyone to celebrate with. What with just moving and all. I mean...my parents are here, but this is the first birthday I've been away from my older sister, Kati. I miss her, I really do, but...she hasn't really been there as much as I would prefer the last few years. Ever since we moved to Tennessee, she went through her teenage years in her 20s, which meant she was never home. And when she finally moved out...rarely came to visit. Sure, she calls and stuff, but...its not the same.

This move was really hard. The move from Tennessee to New Jersey, I mean. We moved because my dad lost his job (again) and found himself having to search for a new one. It took two months for him to acquire one. He started it at the beginning of this past August. Him and I drove up here from Tennessee, leaving my mom alone (she's disabled, so this is never a good thing) for a weekend while I accompanied him on the 14 hour drive. After meeting my aunt Debbie, his sister (he's from NJ, so he has some family here, who I've never met), I flew back to Tennessee to stay with Mom while he worked. That was basically the three weeks from hell. Though my mom told me she was proud of me for how much I helped.

While it was just me and her, I had to take care of her and the dogs, make food for us, help her to bed and out of bed. Take care of her bed soars, get her medicine ready every morning. Keep the dishes done, and a bunch else. It was really hard, because I received little, nearly none, help from my sister. Towards the end of the three weeks, I began slacking. But I was so tired of it, I couldn't help it. It wasn't a conscious thought on my part, stopping helping as much, I mean. It just happened. Tends to be the case when youre nagged at constantly.

But that is neither here nor there, anymore at least. I'm still taking care of my mom during the day on weekdays, because Dad works from 7 to 5, varying at times. The house remains mostly unpacked, which isnt good.

Of course, that tends to happen when you pack everything in the week before you leave.

But we didn't have any help. I didn't know what to do. I'd never...it had never been left up to me to soley pack the entire house. My sister, as I have said, was no help. None of my friends really helped. Mom couldn't help. Dad was up here. So...I did nothing.

Which wasn't very smart, but...What would you do? I was overwhelmed.

I just don't know what to say anymore. I mean, what is there to say, really?

Now, I'm pretty much in a full on depression. I've not got a therapist yet. I rarely talk to any of my friends that I know in real life. I talk to net friends, who yes, are still my best friends, but sometimes, its just not the same, you know?

I cried last night. Really cried. I talked to my friend, Skylar, for the first time in what seemed like months. We got a lot of old wounds cleaned. Mainly my wounds. When we moved, she and another friend...weren't there. And it hurt so much. It still hurts. It will always hurt. I just wanted to see them a bit before we left, but I couldn't exactly go to see them myself. Because I was doing so much for my mom, and I didn't want to leave her alone for too long. The only times I really left her alone were when I went to the store or to see Linda, my therapist. But it hurt so much cause they didn't make much of an effort to come and see me. Or to even call. It felt to me like they were both hung up on their boyfriends. Which, I know wasn't the entire case, but still...

Skylar apologised for it last night. She told me she could have tried harder to come see me, and I agreed. I mean, all I wanted was maybe five minutes! Five fucking minutes, of either seeing them or just...talking on the phone. But nope, didn't get any of that.

Yeah, I'm still a bit bitter, but its getting better. I hope.

God, I don't even know where to end this blog.

This isn't even all of my life, it's just a taste. I have a lot of resentment for a lot of people, but I never ever show it because...well, I don't want them to leave me. I don't want...to be lonely, to be without my friends. So I let it fester and fester and fester till I'm nothing but a festering mess.

I guess I'll end it here. I don't know when I'll next do something. Maybe tomorrow? Maybe next week. Hell if I fucking know.

Pattie